Lara Gil: “I had the feeling that love would never come to me until I lost weight.”

She had surgery and lost weight. A lot of weight. But the price she paid was high: hair loss, constant vomiting, tooth loss... Today she explains the after-effects she still suffers from that procedure, about which, she claims, she was not warned of the risks. She does so in Manual para romper un cuerpo (Manual to Break a Body, Aguilar), her first book, which, in addition to being a first-person account of the unintended consequences of her surgery, is a way of finally forgiving herself for undergoing what she now considers mutilation at such a young age.

Her work is also a defense of those bodies that sometimes don't fit into the sizes of major clothing chains or bus seats, yet still deserve their place in the world.

She was 19 years old and weighed 130 kilos when she decided to undergo bariatric surgery.

Several factors influenced my decision, and one of them was the context. Back then, there was a lot of fatphobia. The pressure on overweight bodies was even greater than it is today. There was no anti-fatphobia activism that could offer a different perspective. What there was was a brutal pressure to lose weight.

Before having surgery, she tried many diets.

None of them worked for me and surgery was the solution offered to me.

He says that at that time he was afraid to go out on the street.

Fat people constantly experience harassment in public spaces. Sometimes it's just looks, but it can escalate into aggression. I was a teenager and spent a lot of time on the street. In my neighborhood, it was normal to go out every afternoon with friends for a walk: you'd go to the park and meet other groups. There came a time when it became very painful to face the stares, the words, and the daily insults. I felt a growing sense of shame, guilt, and failure. And that also drove me to shut myself away at home.

His mother offered to pay for the operation.

It was an act of love, and I always had the last word. I said yes because I thought if I did, my life would be better. I felt like love or friendship would never come, that no one would value me until I lost weight. I believed it was the only way to achieve happiness; I didn't think I could live with being fat.

He did not wait his turn to have surgery in the public health system.

At that time, there was a very long waiting list for surgery through the public system. About a year and a half. I felt very trapped in my body; I couldn't wait any longer, so we opted for a private option.

He was in a very vulnerable situation.

I felt so helpless. I even struggled to leave the house; I was overwhelmed. At that moment, I didn't think there was any other option.

She says that at the private clinic she went to, they didn't warn her about the risks.

No. And I'm very emphatic here. When I had the information appointment with the specialist, which my mother also attended, he didn't mention any of the complications that could arise from the operation. Neither serious ones nor everyday ones. He just said I'd have to take a vitamin supplement for a while and that I'd eat a little less, but that otherwise my life would be completely normal. That wasn't the case for me.

And at that time, there was little information available about this surgery.

And it remains that way. There are some warnings, but the reality is that what is proposed in some centers and what is sold on the websites of private clinics and hospitals often does not correspond to reality. In fact, people still claim it's a minimally invasive operation and that you'll be back to normal life in a few months. That wasn't the case in my case.

How long did it take to start losing weight after the operation?

It was very fast. My body went through a massive process of malnutrition. I didn't lose weight for no reason, but because it took me a month and a half to be able to eat solids. By eating only purees and very little food, you lose weight. There's no mystery to it. What no one told me is that, in addition to losing weight, my body was going to go through a process of physical trauma and malnutrition with serious consequences.

Which is it?

My hair started falling out a few weeks later. And I lost a lot of muscle, which affected my daily life, making it difficult to do simple things like take the subway, walk, go to work...

He lost a lot of weight very quickly.

I was finally achieving what I'd wanted my whole life. In the first few years, even though there were physical after-effects, I was still making up for it. Then I discovered that being thin wasn't going to make all my problems go away, that you wouldn't necessarily be much happier. Those health problems increased and made my daily life more difficult, and you realize that you only live one life and it's important to take care of yourself.

What other problems appeared after the operation?

When I started eating solid foods again, I started vomiting frequently. I struggled with digestion after the procedure. What the doctors told me and what I read on the internet was that chewing a lot can prevent this, but that wasn't the case. My stomach shrank so much that there were foods that, no matter how hard I chewed, I couldn't digest.

Which is the worst of these consequences for you?

In my case, the most problematic issue is malnutrition. Vitamin deficiency, lack of iron, folic acid, vitamin B12... I reached a state of malnutrition that left my body unprepared for everyday life. I also think there's a topic that's rarely discussed: living with hunger. I'm never completely satisfied. I get full very quickly, but I digest it quickly, leaving me with a constant feeling of hunger.

As the years went by, he gained weight again.

It happened to me, and I've seen it happen to other people. It's something that's also difficult to explain, but after two to five years, some people regain weight. Not only with bypasses, but also with medications. It can happen that when you stop taking them, you start gaining weight.

How did it feel?

I took it quite naturally. At the same time I was gaining weight, I was coming to terms with all my health problems and spent years trying to eat and enjoy food again. Being fat was no longer a problem for me.

Anti-fatphobia activism helped her.

It opened up a world of possibilities for me, where fat people can exist and be loved. I was already in that world when I started gaining weight, and I'm still in it. It's a much kinder, gentler world. I think we should live unapologetically for who we are. We live in a world that generates a lot of shame toward any body that deviates from the norm, which is most of us. That body shame builds over years, and I've spent a lot of time letting go of it. I'm not ashamed of my body or the fat bodies around me. I claim them.